Letter From Hell

Dear Charles,

Congratulations on  the portrait you did of me – you couldn’t have come up with a better allegory!…

Up to my death 30yrs ago my regime painters have portrayed me some 30 times… Their flattery contributed to my self-apotheosis, the other factor being my lack of any faith.

My proverbial posturing started in the 1940ies. There were some artists among the partisan guerrillas around me, which enabled me to order that my portraits or reproductions “decorate every shop in Yugoslavia, as well as the shop windows, otherwise empty as there was little to sell.  I also ordered my portraits into every classroom, office, hospital and hotel room, transport vehicle etc.  But even this orgy of vanity and  overblown personality cult couldn’t prevent my ultimate fall into Hell!

On the contrary…

Now, too late, I can see that God does exist and my assumption that He didn’t has proved catastrophic for  The Croatians as well.  At long last I’m able to write as recently, after twenty years of promises, Satan granted me  four emails  and 4 answers , each of  350 words, but no Linkedin, Facebook or Twitter!  The cyber world is a great consolation in this atrocious place, far worse than any of Dante’s descriptions.

Such a shocking and unexpected fate!…The punishments are continuous and  varied, I uneasily speculate what devilish torture is next!….If possible, it’s all worse  than any of mine sadistic inventions along my gulag empire in Croatia!  Imagine just the continuous temperature of 70o, no winters, no aircon!  And I thought my beautiful island Brioni was at times too warm and unbearable.

But, hard to believe, you know what torments me most? Watching the alarming mental state of a big slice of the Croatian population and even the intelligentsia. I scream when I see some zombies dancing around  one of my still extant monuments. How they happily walk along the Promenade Marsal Tito on the Opatija Riviera. How happy they are to parade  on Tito Square in Zagreb.

Yet the most horrifying obtuseness is in their  undermining the efforts to join the European Union as they ignore Europe’s ban on the glorification of monstrous dictators of any creed or colour!  Even the Serbs , to whom I have given everything, including Croatia, detest and curse me!  There’s one small consolation: I hear the Crucifix is again hanging in European classrooms after taking them down because of political correctness. I hope they will follow suit in Croatia after my Cross burnings and substitution with my  pagan portraits.

I have  honed my cult so perfectly that its dumbing propagandistic effect evidently endures through 3 generations of “Tito’s children”, 20 years after the collapse of Yugoslavia, that sad prison of peoples of my own making.  The most infernal lie about me is the paradoxal one  uttered by the preceding  Croatia president Stipe Mesic, who praised me ,  philoserbian ant anticroat to the teeth, as the author of Croatian independence! Why me, the reducer of a beautiful and upright Croatia of 8 million people to a sad one of 4 millions! Me, the cause of other tragedies apart from the demographic one, like the economic and agricultural,  the proprietorial, the moral, the political and ideological, the health, the mediatic and the cultural. Me, the depriver of freedom and human rights, the jailer, the tormentor and the impoverisher!

Having realized that  I have a soul, black as it may be, I hope to be able to atone for my  crimes against humanity and  beg for at least some forgiveness. After 30 years  of waiting I managed an audience with Lucifer and  explained that I should expect a chance of eventual pardon as I was an atheist when I was deeply into my habitual atrocities. He retorted  that  faithlessness is no excuse, that the majority of atheists  never commit a single crime, let alone genocides and exterminations. Adding that he couldn’t show favouritism even to one so alike himself! Explaining to me that nepotism is in itself a mortal sin. And concluding that I have to expiate just to begin with, with a day in hell for each of my victims, both the ones I manually  bumped off and the ones I delegated my armies of bloodsuckers to terminate. Lucifer’s, devilishly accurate, death-counter shows that  the number of my victims is 1.267.802. That translates into some 3473 years of excruciating wait!

Then Lucifer  burst into a fiery rage and added how that was just for starters, a bat of an eyelid compared to eternity and to the myriad charges still being processed as the judiciary  in Hell is nearly as infernally slow  and frustrating as the one in Croatia.

On a kinder note, yet fully knowing the futility of it but enjoying the cruel joke, he suggested I email each of my victims in Paradise and ask them for a pardon and a reduction of my awful sentence. Even if used up all my monthly mails to address all of them, it would take 26412 years! 22739 years longer than my sentence!

Dear Charles, I know you were innocent when I threw you into my Gulag, as were millions of others. Yet I find the gaul to write to you because I know you may appreciate the fact that I amnestied you before time, even though the main reason was the overflow from the Yugojails containing 10 times  capacity.

In my next  letter I will tell you why I seek your generous forgiveness.

Thank you for the portrait! And I must thank Lucifer for his permission to enjoy in the cultural oasis of your www.billich.com

Greetings from Hell!

Josip Groz Tito



About charlesbillich

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1 Response to Letter From Hell

  1. Pingback: A dancer’s art comes alive at The Rocks | Australian Filipina Magazine

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